Be honest. Does your relationship feel like a game of tennis, where after a back and forth of dialogue one person has to win while the other loses?
If you’re nodding as you read this, you’re not alone.
It’s okay if it’s a game where there are rules everyone has to follow.
But in real life, what are the rules and who decides them? Does only one person have to win? Can we not have a win-win situation?
We communicate for various reasons. We communicate to voice our opinions; to build comfort and support; to share information and our thoughts; to influence others; for fun, social and entertainment.
Simply put, we are wired to desire interactions and connections all the time.
As we fear of being alone, we seek out to belong to something or someone. Our first need as humans is to feel we’re loved and safe; to have a sense of certainty that people around me will take care of me, listen to my concerns and support and guide me.
With all good intentions, we converse with the expectation that this basic core need will be met.
But what does all this have to do with your relationship?
It turns out a lot.
Does your man understand you and your needs?
And do you understand him and his needs?
Are you listening, really listening, to each other?
Or are you both busy analysing what each other is saying?
And are you absolutely clear what you want?
Because if you’re not – your frustration builds up and love begins to vanish.
In short, how you communicate determines the results you get. But before you can communicate clearly, you must know yourself. Awareness is the first step.
So, let’s start with what is it that you want.
Is it understanding, support, encouragement, validation or just pure love? Whatever it is, you need to have some skills to make your communication effective in achieving them.
Find that out first.
Remember, love is a feeling. You cannot feel love and frustration at the same time. It is one or the other.
To keep your love safe and sound, here are three tips to follow:
No.1- Be present, be loving
My hubby failed to give me a response to my ‘good morning darling’ the other day. When we were lovingly enjoying a cuppa at night, I brought it up.
He was absolutely certain that he did. Well, he didn’t and an argument was imminent until I realised he was obviously lost in his thoughts and not present with me at that moment
So, here is the tip if you find yourself in a similar situation. If you don’t get a response the first time, go up to him, gently touch his arm and speak softly and lovingly. Show him that he needs to be present in the moment to love and be loved.
No.2- Choose your words wisely
Words convey meaning and create thoughts and emotions. We are often unaware that our words create powerful emotions, shape our beliefs and impact our behaviour. Your words could be pulling him closer or pushing him away.
Our communication therefore requires conscious effort. Make a list of 10 positive and encouraging words and use them in your daily conversations to draw him closer.
As Tony Robbins says,
‘Change your words, change your life’
No.3- Be a good listener
You may not be a natural listener, but that’s okay. It all comes with practice. And it does not mean you cannot talk. Good listeners ask great questions and talk when and where appropriate.
Listening means giving your 100% attention; listening to what he is saying and implying. It requires time set aside, being face to face, clarifying his thoughts and being non-judgmental.
Most important is to give him time and space to openly express himself, and feel understood and supported. This will inspire him to love you more for being there for him.
My take-home advice to you is practise. You can read this and many more posts on the topic, but nothing will develop you as practising these skills will.
Your subconscious mind needs to get familiar and comfortable with new learnings.
So, practise; because practise makes perfect.
How’s your communication with your partner? Got more tips? Leave a comment below; I’d love to know what you think.