Do you ever have moments in your life when you feel emotionally insecure?
If those moments of emotional insecurity are seriously affecting your relationship then you need to address it.
Jenny Lawson came to me for help with an incident that left her feeling exactly that.
You see, Jenny’s husband invited his friend’s ex-wife & daughter to stay with them for a night. Being a generous man he wanted to ensure their stay in Melbourne was a pleasant one.
Jenny was annoyed that he didn’t discuss this with her. This woman wasn’t their personal friend and it didn’t help that she was quite attractive. When Jenny raised the issue, her husband said it was his decision to make and that’s it.
With her feeling totally ignored, Jenny felt disrespected and insignificant and she sulked until she couldn’t take it anymore and so approached me for help.
When faced with a challenging situation such as this we either go into a fight or flight mode. That is you either confront to resolve your issue, or you go into your shell and hide which doesn’t help in the long run.
What is emotional insecurity? And what causes insecurity?
Emotional insecurity comes from your ‘critical inner voice’.
Dr Lisa Firestone who co-authored the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice wrote, ‘The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate those patterns of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.’
In Jenny’s case it was a feeling of unease perceived as worthless, unloved or not good enough leading to her low self-esteem. We go into a relationship with a level of certainty that our feelings will be respected and reciprocated by our partners. This is one aspect of a relationship that must be met for it to last.
The difficulty in pinpointing this issue and doing something about it is that our feelings constantly change. There could be a time when your positive attitude would put such an incident aside as trivial, yet as in Jenny’s case perhaps due to lack of her own security led her to feel inadequate and therefore defensive.
Here are some suggestions I offered Jenny that could also help you:
No. 1 – Validate your own feelings.
Be aware of that inner critic that can do serious damage to your relationship. It can cause you to feel desperate towards your partner. It can exaggerate feelings of jealousy or possessiveness or leave you feeling rejected and unworthy.
Becoming aware of your own feelings and how you are reacting or responding is a beginning of your own self-discovery.
Once you have a better sense of where your insecurity is coming from and the impact it has on your life, you can begin to challenge it.
Jenny must not think herself as a victim but as a woman of incredible value. It’s a wonderful mindset to have that’ll boost her confidence and self-esteem.
No. 2 – Discuss and set things straight
Give him prior notice that you need to talk. Sit opposite each other and be calm.
This may seem difficult but think and act as the Queen of your castle. Life is governed by laws & principles. You are going to discuss some basic rules and principles on how you are going to be treated in your home and as a wife.
Begin with something like, ‘Honey, I don’t think we are on the same page’ will put him at ease and take away his need to be defensive.
Once he gets his guard down, you can begin to lead the conversation and by telling him how you felt. Make sure you stay with the current issue even if he brings up the past.
As you both listen to each other and embrace the truth that all you ask for is to be respected in your home, your self-esteem and self-worthiness begin to rise.
No.3 – Reprogram your inner critic.
Now, you need to work on yourself; on reprograming that voice in your head. You can begin by writing down negative thoughts about yourself and asking yourself where are these coming from? Where in your childhood did you learn these about yourself and who taught them to you?
You could also write positive affirmations such as, ‘I am kind and loving; I can manage any situation that comes up; I am emotionally strong; I have a great husband and a great life’.
Meditation will also make a world of difference. It calms your critical mind and allows you to connect with the voice of the ‘Wise Woman’ or the ‘Goddess’ in you, who is there to guide and guard you in every situation.
Love to hear what you think.
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