You must have been told that life will never be the same when you have children. It’s true. Life becomes unpredictable once they arrive.
Your life revolves around your children and it becomes quite challenging to have time to yourself.
Yet, there is another aspect of this new life that no one tells you about.
Let’s explore it through a practical example.
Sarah, mother of two children between the ages of 5 and 10, expressed her deep concerns about her marriage to Paul.
‘It took me a long time to realise that even though we became closer through our children, yet we weren’t the same people to one another anymore. Our strong partnership was falling on the sideway.’
Can you relate?
Couples, who recently had children, I am sure, can really relate to this.
Couples Don’t Even Know the Root Problem of their Declining Relationship.
Unfortunately, many couples don’t know how or don’t have the necessary tools to adapt to the changes that occur after children and learn; therefore throw in the towel and end their relationships which are meant to last forever.
‘Change happens by choice not by chance’
– Sharon Pearson
Couples Don’t Look for Practical Solutions
One of the major reasons why couples are not able to revive their relationship is that they are not looking for practical solutions. They blame each other for the challenges they face individually as a parent, instead of working together as a team; with open communication and support of each other during this new stage of their lives.
Only Mutual Effort Can Revive their Relationship
If couples truly want to stay together for their and their children’s sake, they must make mutual effort to make it happen. They must make a commitment to lay down their cards. They can begin openly discussing their relationship issues no matter who is at fault, negotiate if there is need to, plan, set practical family and relationship goals and work consistently and mutually to achieve them.
Everything in life is subject to change. Relationships are also bound to change. The smart and sensible thing to do is learn new skills and adjust.
Dr. Gary Chapman explains this concept in great detail in his book, ‘The Four Seasons of Marriage’.
According to Dr Chapman, Sarah and Paul are perhaps experiencing the loneliness, dullness, coldness and frustration characteristic of the Winter Season. They need to find strategies to move into the next relationship phase, in other words the Spring Season, where there is a new beginning of excitement, joy, love, trust and creativity.
Here are some suggestions for Sarah that couples can use to revive their relationship once they have children:
1. Become best friends again
Think of the things you did when you first met. You went on many dates to explore your love for each other; you built trust; there was romance and intimacy. Well, all that is possible again. You can reignite that fire.
2. Become lovers again
Sex usually stops when couples face difficulties. Becoming best friends again gives couples confidence for creativity in life including romance, intimacy and eventually great sex. Sex is a hugely important part of any long lasting relationship.
3. Become great parents
Couples must see themselves playing a very important role raising their precious children and not only as their responsibility. Loving and nurturing is a very noble human gift that one can share and therefore couples should extend this love and nurturing to each other as well. Planning and organising themselves in a supportive manner in advance, couples will feel more relaxed and inclined to have quality time for each other.
You should not let your love, mutual trust and strong relationship weaken once you have children as these elements are the foundation and source of a progressive family.
Love to hear what you think. Leave me your comments