When you are in love, it’s easy to feel that nothing could ever go wrong.
I am sure we all have our views on what may be causing relationships to fall apart.
For me, I can only tell you from my own 39 years of experience the challenges I’ve had and the times I felt it was over.
Coming from a traditional Indian family, I was never allowed to develop self-confidence. Even though I did extremely well in high school, I was not allowed to attend University. Instead of being taught self-respect, self-value, self-care I was told University was where students led care-free lifestyles and was not a safe and decent place for me.
I was strictly groomed to be a housewife more than a career woman and I was taught to be disciplined and obedient and that continued even after I got married. There is nothing wrong in being taught how to be a good wife, but I should have also been encouraged to develop my own values, self-worth and self-respect for my life ahead.
I’ve had low self-esteem for many years; had fear of speaking up; hiding my true feelings; reluctant to share my ideas; unable to defend myself in an argument therefore ending up crying and feeling hurt.
My yearning to discover my own potential as life went on and live a more meaningful life urged me to invest in personal development. Amongst many things, I have learnt the power of self–confidence, self-love and effective communication and this has transformed my relationship and my life.
So, here are 3 things that could be destroying your relationship
No. 1 – Low self-esteem
If you have low-esteem, you believe you are not good enough. You will tend to belief you do not deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect. You will doubt your abilities and be fearful of setting boundaries to show others how you wish to be treated. Without self-esteem you will be afraid to trust yourself to be vulnerable with your man. Vulnerability is being authentic and is an important ingredient for a trusting and intimate relationship.
Self-confidence on the other hand allows you to be assertive on what and how you want your life and relationship to be. And when you are confident you are attractive to others. Your man finds you fascinating, delightful and sexy. The more confident about ‘who’ you are as a woman, the more comfortable your man feels being with you.
‘The mind is everything. What you think you become’ – Buddha
What you can do to build self-confidence
Make a list of things you’d like to do and have in your life. Before you can create anything you want in your life it is imperative that you have a strong desire for it, so be honest with yourself. Now, choose 2 of these desires and incorporate them in your day. Next, list 2 ways that you could achieve them if you possessed absolute self-confidence. At the end of each day make sure to acknowledge yourself and celebrate!!
No. 2 – Poor communication
All conflicting issues stem from poor communication. Everyone has different perceptions about life based on their own values, beliefs and Meta Programming. Therefore, no-one is really right or wrong; just different patterns of thinking and behaviour.
We are unable to communicate effectively when we are not present to each other; when we are upset and emotional; when we say something but do not make much sense. We assume our partner will understand what we mean.
Also a common factor is not really listening to what is being said. Instead we tend interrupt or speak at the same time. This is an ‘all about me’ attitude and failing to understand that communication is not a one way street.
‘The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives’- Anthony Robbins
What you can do to communicate effectively
When you are having causal conversations make sure you establish rapport through eye contact and body language. For something important, make time and space to talk without distraction. In all situations, ask open ended questions to clarify you both understand each other. Example: What is the matter with my decision to invite my parents to dinner tonight?
No. 3 – Lack of self-love
There are many ways you could be neglecting your wellbeing and inner happiness and that of your partner.
Stress is one of them. You may feel it in your body or you may feel it emotionally. It can also be an underlying tension causing you to hold back in your intimacy, in your work or relationship with others. Stress restricts your breathing and slows the free flow of energy through your body. It affects your heart, your nervous system and even your hormones.
Negative thoughts can also sabotage your wellbeing; you feel down and demotivated; it affects your moods and attitude towards yourself, your partner and life. Self-love is about making yourself a priority but not in an arrogant way. Self-love is having self-respect; setting boundaries and honouring them; making conscious effort and choices aligned with your values towards decreasing self-doubt and nurturing yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.
You cannot love another unless you learn to love yourself.
‘Self-love is the source of all our other loves’- Pierre Corneille
What you can do to have self-love.
Most important is to understand You; your needs, beliefs and values.
Take on practices to ignite your feminine powers. Learn to let go of the past to set yourself free to live and love. Dig deep and discover your real desires and be willing to step forward to fulfill them. Find your purpose that will drive you to reach your optimal self-acceptance and loving who you truly are.
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